STAY$GOLD

I’ve never felt so low in my life. Idk how I got here but now that I am here I have no idea how to get out. It gets so hard trying to just cover it all up and have the time of your life when deep down you know how things are and the shit your struggling with. Everything is falling apart and every time I try to put it all together, get my act right, I get knocked down.  Its to a point where I don’t even want to try anymore. I don’t want this to hurt me anymore but what can I do to get past? I swear this shit is impossible. I take on so much guilt that it makes me hate myself.  I’ve never hated myself so much like this ever. But the thing is you make me hate myself. Because I can’t be who you want me to be.  It hurts me to know I can never be good enough for you, the one person that I always try to do the best for. I’ve always had an idea but to hear it straight from your mouth, that cut me deep.  It makes me feel worthless. If I can’t make you happy, I can’t be happy.  I know you’re going through some shit but I am too.  You just don’t know that because you turn everything into something negative. Senior cruise last night? Yeah I went to have fun because I thought I deserved it. Because I thought that I needed it after a tough 2 weeks.  Because I felt that I needed to start living cause we can’t dwell on what had happened.  Nothing we can do can bring her back, I’ve faced that.  But you, you think I go because I don’t care. Because it’s easy for me to go out and do something like that. Because it hasn’t been on my mind ever since the day it all happened. Because I can go about my life without always thinking about you and making you happy and proud of me for once.. I’ve never been one to stay stuck on something.  Eventually I move on because I have to. Because I need to or I’d go no where. But now, these days, I don’t know where to go from here because I can never get through to you.  You think I’m living life and and its easy but the truth is you don’t know half the shit I’m going through. I don’t know where to start. Idk, I wish I could just leave.  I wish I didn’t have to live in your house and depend on you for everything.  It would be so much easier knowing that I wasn’t disappointing you anymore. That you didn’t have to deal with me.  That I didn’t have to deal with you… always trying to make you happy and proud of me. You see I’m not even a bad kid.  I never did or touched half the shit my brothers did.  I never put my parents through the shit they did.  Because I couldn’t see them hurt like that again. And the fact that I’m trying so hard to steer clear from that kills me because no matter what I do,  I can never make you happy. I fight back because I’m so frustrated. With you and myself. I yell back because no matter how loud I get, you never seem to listen to my words.  Yeah you hear them but do you ever stop to think about what I try to tell you? I cuss and shout and scream and throw shit and punch things because no matter what I do or say, you think its because I’m selfish & I’m getting mad because shit isn’t fair to me. I just don’t get how you’re so blind to see that I’m not even in this for me anymore. Everything I do is for you, just hoping I could get something, anything back. It honestly breaks my heart. It makes me feel like I am worthy of nothing. I’m so fuckin sick of feeling like this. Its been too damn long. I don’t want to cut the strings to our relationship because I remember when we were woven so tightly together. Just a little girl and her daddy. I think about the day that we’ll be sewn together like that again. But for now, since you can’t even look at me, I’ll stay clear out of your way. Hoping that you’ll think about those times and actually try to have a relationship with me. I hope you miss it like I do. Your words were heard loud and clear. Even though I want to talk to you, it’ll be easier knowing that if I don’t say shit to you then you can never be disappointed in me. If I don’t fill you in about my life, then you wont be mad about it anymore.

No matter what is said wont change things. But thank you anyways for your concern. At then end of the day, all I have is myself.

Happy anniversary my sweet boyfriend. I love you muuuuuucho grande my bean burrito.

create lies.

Made 1st team all-league & was Featured Athlete for girls varsity soccer. Good shit!

I’ll miss you <3

What is honestly worst then feeling like you’re not good enough.

I feel like whatever I do, no matter what I do, I can never please the one person that I want to go above and beyond for.

It sucks… knowing he laid everything out on the counter for you all these years. Knowing he had the most faith in you out of em.  Thinking that this was the one he couldn’t go wrong with.

It sucks knowing we can’t even keep a conversation going because its like we live two seperate lives. It feels like you really don’t want anything to do with me.

I wish we had what we had back when I was young. 

I wish I could talk to you like I used to but nowadays you can’t even look me in the eye.

Its cause I’m not good enough. Because you hear great news about everyone’s daughters and how fantastic they’re doing and then you look at your own and really have nothing to say..

You shake your head and I know for a fact you’re disappointed.

I’m so frustrated.

I don’t get it man. 

@anon bay area cousin

@nigga-nai Yes sir & Closer to my dreams by Dolla

@kwevin hah thanks

@808hooligan thanks from the bay

@anon awh he makes me happy as well <3

@meeshellxoxo awh thanks, you too woman (=

http://teejayaye.tumblr.com/ask

So its really over. After so many years, I finally reached the end of the road. Bittersweet but I can honestly say that it was the best experience of my 18 years of exsistance. From growing up with the girls and becoming best friends with them, knowing their strengths and weaknesses on and off the field, just overall having each others backs.  I grew up with these ladies.  I witnessed us grow as players and matured as adults. We spoke about our first kisses, our deepest secrets, and no matter what, we kept it with in the team.  This team was like my family, they were my sisters.  We knew eachother like the back of our hands.  Despite our differences, we were solid. This team never once fought, our chemistry was like non other.  I’ll never forget that bond.. Countless road trips, hotel rooms, plane rides.  It was like we were born with cleats on our feet. Catching red eye flights back home from long weekends, Regionals in Hawaii, Flying back and forth to San Diego/LA every other weekend, numerous trips to vegas, Regional camp in Idaho, becoming friends from girls all over the world and getting to reunite with them during tournaments, team ice baths, beach trips, winning state cup twice, being in the finals too many times, ranking #1 in norcal, playing in the biggest tournaments in the country, having everybody know what team you were from, the compliments, the sponsors, the support.. Too many memories. Now seeing how many cleats I’ve gone through, the 68454154 socks in my drawer, the tournament tees, the athletic tape, the knee braces, everything… just gives me a little reminder of the game I had once loved and my past life. The game was all blood, sweat, and tears.  So many injuries, so many therapy sessions, so many ankle wraps, so many pulled muscles, so many calf cramps…  The dongers we’d run, the weights we’d lift, the beach workouts, the hills we’d sprint up..  You see soccer wasn’t just a sport for me, it was a lifestyle. Driving 45 minutes every other day for practice, taking more training sessions on the days I wasn’t training, coming home exhausted and late, practicing in the pouring rain or even in the scorching heat…  Sure we had a love/hate relationship but I will never forget the fact that the sport has taught me so much and shaped me into the person I am today. I’m going to miss it all.  Erin, who was like an older sister to us, my team and the countless memories we made, the families and their never ending support, Chris, who gave us the criticism that would push us to go further, Albertin, who was so tough on us and scare us shit-less and his intentions to drive us to strive to be the player we all wanted to be..  Its all overwhelming. Its like how could you let something that you’ve been with for more then half your life go and dedicate 80% of your time to so instantly… Well let me tell you, it wasn’t easy.  The burden had been on my shoulders for quite some time now and after you lose the passion for something that you once had, it’ll never be the same.  My heart was no longer in it, I was just too scared of the fact that letting go would upset everyone.  I didn’t once think about myself.. Holding that in for so long makes you resent what you do and sure enough, I hated it.  I hated it with the same fiery passion that I had for soccer in the beginning. Now that its my senior year, it will also be my last. Simply because its not for me anymore.  I know that I’m throwing away a lot and I could have gone so much further as a player and be playing for big names but what can you do if its not what YOU want… and I’m sorry dad that I probably disappointed you in my decision… I knew it was your dream for me.  I can’t thank you enough for being my #1 fan and driving me to every.single.one of my games even if it was pouring rain and you were the only daddy out there.  Even if you used to embarrass me in the games yelling at me telling me to ‘focus’ and have everyone else laugh cause I yell ‘shut up dad’ right back. Even if you had to take me to the hospital numerous times. Even if you had to pay the hospital bills too. Even when it was hard times and you still managed to fly me out to different states even if you couldn’t come along. You could say we spent so much and invested in so much for nothing but the memories and the experience are priceless.  Dad, I’m sorry I let you down and it hurts to feel that way but I had to do it for me. Because I couldn’t live for what you wanted me to do anymore and I had to tell you one way or another. I just want to make you proud pops..

when one door closes, another one opens. I guess this is going to be a new start.

*sometimes all i really need to do is just vent.  I don’t expect anyone to read this.

A long tight hug and a kiss on the forehead from the boyfriend would do me some justice right now.

)=

liisaababy:

umairriamu:

Daryn Scott will definitely be missed. He was probably one of the funniest kids out there. Always in a good mood with a smile on his face. We used to be a lot closer when he went to Irvington but even though he switched schools we would talk to eachother over text or AIM and hang out when he came to visit. I still can’t believe this is happening right now. Rest In Paradise, my homie.

Rest easy )=

with anybody else.

The beauty of it leaves you speechless.